Chasing Amy-Lou

So I re-read this assignment three times before deciding to post it. However, I’m aware that it may sound as if I’m some sort of obsessive stalker, some weirdo with a fantasy, some crazed, girl-in love; someone who is dreaming of her unrequited love. And I also realised that if the person I had written about ever read it, he would also probably think the same, if not worse; a psycho with a fixation. It’s with this in mind that I decided to change all names and settings…just in case.

Feel free to offer your opinions as to whether you think I am actually a fool in love, or whether you’ve ever had intense feelings such as these; I’d be curious to know. Oh, and for the record, we do still keep in touch.

The setting was a bar in Nanjing, the time was almost 11pm, and we were awaiting the arrival of Max. I had never met Max, knew nothing about him and had no idea what to expect. Shallowly, I hoped he would be attractive, I hoped he would be kind and I hoped he would be interesting. He was a friend of Rebecca’s from back home and he was going to give us tips on Nanjing life; how to make the most of our time there. He walked in, flustered and apologetic for being late but managing to keep an air of coolness and non-arrogant nonchalance about him. From that moment I knew that my life would never be the same again.

A beautiful specimen stood before me and I definitely wasn’t expecting this; average height, average build, tanned skin, a chiseled jaw, but not too sharp, dark hair, deep, dark eyes that I could swim in for days and a perfect white smile that would melt a thousand hearts. I had fallen in love; right there and then, I had fallen in love.

Max sat down and we were introduced. Immediately I was in awe of this handsome young man; he had a positive aura, there was a great spirit about him, a shining light around his being, and I felt safe in his presence. My description is perhaps doing him no justice and I’m not sure if I’m even managing to portray my feelings correctly: I wasn’t in love with him in the way you may be thinking; how can a person fall in love at first sight? Without knowing anything about that other person? I’d always believed it could happen but never actually thought of it as a reality. I think I was in love with what he embodied and the radiance I was feeling from sitting opposite him was incredible, like nothing I’d ever felt before.

As we talked and swapped stories, and discussed life and spoke of work and philosophies and future prospects, I began to feel an overwhelming sense of closeness to this boy, a boy I had known for merely a few hours. He was extremely interesting, he seemed truly genuine, he was breathtaking to look at and I could easily have listened to him for hours upon hours, upon hours.

Max was a free spirit, a traveller, a wanderer, a chancer and a spirited adventurer. He seemed in tune with his morals, certain of what was right and wrong. He knew what was good in the world and wanted to give something back. He also appeared clever, intelligent enough to get away with things most people would never get away with. He had that sense of fun about him, that Joie De Vivre, and I knew, I knew that night that he was the kind of person who would grab life by the balls and extract every last incredible, beautiful and breathtaking moment out of it that he could. He wanted to live his life and he also knew that life was for the taking, for the moment and for what you yourself ultimately made out of it.

In a way, Max was my inspiration, not my sole inspiration but one of the many I have come across in the last few years and certainly one of the most influential. His stories about bike rides across continents; camping in the remotest of areas; teaching in foreign countries and his tales of escapades in far off cities excited me. He set a fire alight in the pit of my stomach and I yearned for more. I wanted more time with this incredible creature who was sitting before me and I wanted to love him, with all my heart, I wanted to love him.

I couldn’t get Max out of my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about how amazing this person was. How could one human being have such an impact on another? That night I don’t think I slept much. I wanted to find out more about him, to question him, find out what he liked and what he disliked, how he came to travel and who his inspirations were…

We saw Max again the following night and again it was an experience to cherish. We ate street food in the middle of Nanjing and drank beers on makeshift tables while chatting and laughing. We talked late into the night and immersed ourselves in the Chinese culture.

My impression of Max over those two nights, those short hours we spent together may be rose-tinted and may also be completely false. My time in China had utterly overwhelmed me, I had had the most incredible adventure and meeting someone I immediately felt drawn to, and had the utmost respect for could have enhanced my feelings towards him and projected his character to one of false grandeur and illusion. You see, I felt an incredible pull towards Max, like a severe magnetic force that I couldn’t ignore. I didn’t know how or why this had happened but I knew it must have been for a reason. I hoped in the pit of my stomach that this was reciprocated but I knew it wasn’t to be: Max was free.

On returning home a week or so later, I still couldn’t forget about this amazing character who had walked into my life. In a way, I felt as though being in China had liberated my soul, and Max had played a major part in that. After much deliberation and hours of relentless thinking, I came to the conclusion that the track I was currently on was wrong. Strong feelings took hold of me and I felt the overwhelming urge to change my life.

In the following 12 months I made plans to leave my job, leave the city I had called home for the last five years, move back to my original hometown and start again, on a different path, a path of uncertainty and one that could possibly change everything about my future. If Max was to ever read this, he would probably think I was insane, he would be puzzled as to the impact he made. How could he possibly have turned my feelings and life around in such a massive way? How could a few hours sat drinking cheap beer have led such life-altering decisions?

He will never know the answer to that question, and I suppose, in a way, neither will I. I just know that this chance meeting was probably not a chance meeting at all. I was supposed to meet Max. I was supposed to think of him as this demi-god, someone to look up to in wonder and awe, someone who’s aspirations I admired. I loved his character, I loved him; insane and crazy as it may sound, he left a mark on my soul that I will forever be grateful for. If we meet again one-day, which I hope we will, I will tell him how he influenced me. I will tell him how our meeting helped me to discover the person I was supposed to be. And I will thank him for it because I believe people walk in and out of our lives for a reason and I wouldn’t be where I was today, on the brink of an exciting life change if it wasn’t for him.