The year 2013 was particularly monumental for me in terms of life changes, re-affirmation of goals and visions for the future. In a year where sorrow, anxiety, panic, grief, joy, elation, fear, excitement, boredom, self-awareness, and loss of pride all played a huge role, I didn’t just lose a part of myself that I thought would be with me forever, I didn’t just begin to doubt myself, I gained a new perspective on life and ultimately, a new path was created and set out for me.
In May, whilst travelling through China and down to Hong Kong and Macau, something shocking happened to me, something I never could have possibly imagined, and something I never want to go through again. Ever.
Without wanting to divulge too much into the intricate details of what occurred, I can only say that throughout that ordeal I lost something; perhaps it was my sanity, perhaps it was my mind but I know for certain that because of this, I will never be the same again. That loss of self control and that loss of freedom (for only a short time) was horrific, resulting in a severe dip in self-esteem, confidence and the ability to be alone. I doubted my past decisions, I doubted my choices and I doubted my career and the life I had chosen.
The ordeal that Spring set off a domino effect of change, a spiralling alteration of my life path. I returned home at a loss. A loss because I knew my future, a future I had been so determined about and so sure of was undoubtedly going to crumble before my eyes. This, may I point out, was not a bad thing at all. There had been uncertainties in the last five years of my life, uncertainties about my chosen career; I had been swimming along at a constant pace but I wasn’t getting anywhere; I had been in purgatory far too long and it was time to get myself out of the rut.
As I slowly regained my confidence and self-belief over the next few months, began to trust myself again, I gained back some of the control I had lost, some of the character that had diminished and some of the spark that had been buried deep under the misery and boredom of the last six years.
The decisions I made towards the end of 2013 are decisions that are shaping my life now, and will continue to shape my life for some time to come. I quit my job, a career I had strived so hard for, moved back home and planned for a trip of a lifetime which I will be embarking upon in September this year. The loss I suffered in China, the emotional and mental loss is something I will never be able to regain but it is, in turn, something I’m glad I experienced as I would never have chosen to take the road I am currently on, to drive into the unknown and face the future head on, embracing it with open arms.
Loss shouldn’t be looked upon as a terrible or sorrowful thing. Sometimes loss can help you to realise what it is you really need, what you really want and what you really should try and aim for. I am using my loss as a drive, a self drive, and at this very moment my vehicle is ready, engine revving, poised for the next turn…
Chasing Amy-Lou 