Chasing Amy-Lou

In Day Four’s assignment, I wrote about how I lost a part of myself (so to speak), but how that loss wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Continuing with the series, today I’ll write about how that loss enabled me to find something within myself, something so strong, something that made me want to carry on.

In an earlier blogpost, I detailed how the song Waterfall by The Stone Roses had a deep meaning for me. The lyrics resonate with aptness and I found them suitably appropriate for what I’m writing today. “She’ll carry on through it all” has been the soundtrack to the majority of my life; the ups and downs, the trials and tribulations, yadda yadda yadda. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that following the events in China in 2013, following me ‘losing’ something of myself, I listened to this song over and over again, telling myself I could carry on, telling myself I was ready for change, telling myself to get out there and grab life by the balls.

That’s exactly what I did. After my Asian escapade, I slowly found my courage again. I discovered qualities I’d once possessed that had been smothered for the past five years; I regained my confidence. I also quit my job. But, I told myself I could move on from that and like a phoenix from the flames (cheesy cliche alert), I told myself I would rise again.

Finding the ability to let go of the past was hard. But finding the ability to jump into a future, not knowing what it might hold was even harder. I worried. I still am worried. Worried about where I’m going in life, worried about how I’m going to survive without the career I’d become so reliant upon to fund my lifestyle; worried about finding a partner and settling down, having kids. I’m also quite scared; scared about venturing into the unknown with no solid plan; scared about going it alone in a foreign country for the next however many months/years; scared about being jobless at 30, with no morgtage, marriage or kids; scared about being scared.

It’s futile really, as I continuously tell myself, on more than a daily basis that it’ll be ok, things will work out and I’m doing this because I want to, not because someone told me to, not because it’s expected of me, and not because it’s easier to conform to the normal conventions of society.

Therefore, looking at the picture as a whole, I consider that the loss I suffered in China has helped me to find the courage to make the most of things. It’s helped me to find the courage to do something exciting with my life. I suppose you could say, I found a way to break out of the mould. I found a different direction. I discovered a path that will hopefully lead me on a journey where I learn more about myself and the world, and, in turn, become a more rounded human being.

If truth be told and if honesty is the game we are playing here then what I really want to find is that never-ending happiness, that feeling of overwhelming love, that feeling you get when you never want to let something go; content and at peace. I am totally aware that searching high and low, galavanting across the globe and turning every rock upside down, looking for something I may never find is pointless, as happiness cannot be found. However, I have found a purpose for the next stage of my life and I’m going to seize the opportunity and have a bloody good time doing so. And if all else fails, I’ll come home, buy a few dogs and spend the rest of my life cleaning up their shit.