Wow, so it’s been a while, hasn’t it.
I’ve not penned anything for so long (and I can’t promise that this is the start of something more regular), but I felt now was the right time to try and alleviate some of the frustrations I’ve been experiencing.
Over the last year my creative drive has dwindled. Despite my sporadic proclamations of joy on various social media platforms, life – actual real life – hasn’t been much fun for me lately.
I’ve found, much to my dismay and confusion, that I’ve begun to suffer from increasingly frequent and hideous bouts of stress, self loathing, depression and anxiety. And when they rear their heads, I find it hard to see the silver lining in any dark cloud.
I refuse to take medication for it. I refuse to mask my problems with chemicals, for chemicals alone will not solve any of my issues. Positivity should be effortless for me. My natural demeanour is one that radiates love and happiness, but that’s not been the case recently. And I try to remain positive, for there’s noting more I crave. But, that longed-for optimism seems to be passing me by and I cannot pin point the reason.
So while I try to figure out exactly why I feel the way I feel, and while I attempt to engage in self-care, mindfulness and self-love (and as much Yoga as I can manage), I mustered just enough energy to write this poem.
It’s not exactly how I envisioned putting an end my creative hiatus, but it’s a start…
The diseases that you carry, swell up, distort your face.
That radiance once shone, now a moment’s fleeting grace.
The tension hides its ugliness in the lines across your head.
The stress prevents deep slumber, all alone in your bed.
Reality crept upon you, like a cancer, slow and brutal.
Your happiness dejected, future looks less fruitful.
Bleak and unforgiving, you wallow in the grim,
For all the while your head it pounds, a repetition hymn.
Can’t see a clear way forward, looking back is just as sad,
Will you ever find that peace, the moments you once had.
That eagerness and zest, it wasn’t false existence,
But this momentarily blip seems to force you in resistance.
That warm embracing laugh has gone, your smile is in the past.
Dry your tears, and remember this, the feeling will not last.
Chasing Amy-Lou 