What a difference a year makes

Lists…lists, lists, lists. I’m well aware that I have a bit of a thing for lists. I love a shopping list. I love a list of things to do. I love a list for the sake of having a list, you know, just so I can write unnecessary shit down in order to inevitably forget about it. Lists are pretty good. They help you organise your shit, they help you remember shit, and they also help you to take stock of your shit. That’s why, at certain points over the last two years, I’ve made lists about the things I’ve learned, not just about myself but about others, about the world, and about life as well – they’ve been a great point of reference for me to see how far I’ve come, how much I’ve achieved, and how I’ve grown as a person.

So it’s with great pleasure that I bring to you yet another list! “Yippee”, I hear you all shout with dry sarcasm in your voices. Please don’t be put off though. This isn’t a list full of brag-worthy points; it’s not a list detailing all the cool, wicked shit I’ve done over the last 12 months (because I have done some pretty awesome stuff); it’s more of a list of self-discovery and realisation, and of course, as with everything, the list will probably change in another 12 months…but that’s the beauty of lists…just like people and just like life, they’re liable to change…

I will never know everything, and I will never claim to know everything. Every day I will strive to learn new things. And every day I will be amazed by the things I discover: listening to people, mixing with people from all walks of life, discussing opinions and sharing information is a wonderful source of education.
In the past I have put barriers up in order to protect myself, especially when it came to matters of the heart: I was reluctant to let anyone in as I was scared of falling and scared of committing, but most of all I was scared that the other person would leave. So rather than put myself through rejection, I shunned love altogether. As time has passed though I’ve realised that this was maybe the wrong thing to do and I was approaching it from the wrong angle, and getting hurt, fearing rejection and dealing with heartbreak are all part and parcel of the thing we call love. Over the last 12-18 months I’ve come to find that falling in love, if you allow yourself to, is possibly the easiest and most wonderful thing you can do. Paradoxically though it’s also the hardest, especially if you’re feelings aren’t reciprocated, and especially if you fall in love with the idea or concept of a person, rather than the actual person.
I will never stop falling in love. And I will never stop wanting to fall in love. This point doesn’t refer to falling in love with a person as such, this is in reference to life. Life is incredible; life is fascinating; and life is what we make of it. Fall in love with life…every single day.
My family mean more to me than anything and if this past year has taught me any kind of lesson, it’s that I take them for granted, far too often and far too much. We may have our disagreements, we may have our almighty blazing rows while under the influence of alcohol that result in trips to A&E and a few stitches (don’t ask), and we may operate on a highly dysfunctional level, but they’re my family, and they’ll always have my back. They say blood is thicker than water…there may just be something in that.
Friendships in your late twenties/early thirties are far different from friendships in your teens. Like the seasons, they change. As you grow older, as you move in different directions, so do your friendships – you’ll lose a few along the way, and you’ll gain new ones too. And some of your friendships will blossom, they’ll develop, they’ll mature, and they’ll solidify. You might not go out partying every weekend, staying up till 6am tanking double gins and jaegerbombs; you might not be on the phone every night discussing the latest episode of Big Brother; but what you will do is enjoy and relish the little things – the occasional meal out with that expensive bottle of wine; the cupcakes that your best mate brought round just because she was ‘in the area’; and the unexpected phone call from a friend you haven’t heard from in months, the one that makes you realise that no matter how long you go without speaking, no matter how long it was since you last saw each other, you’ll feel as if your last conversation took place only yesterday.
On a less sentimental note, being single at 30 when all of your other friends are married, have kids or are too busy to see you is shit. Being single at a wedding when a) the bride and groom and half the wedding party are younger than you, and b) all the other guests are in couples is also shit. However, being single can sometimes be a blessing. In being single I’ve found that I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want. I’ve learned that my freedom and lack of ‘domestic’ responsibility is sometimes envied by others, and I’ve also realised and come to terms with the fact that at 30, there’s actually nothing wrong with being single; plenty of people are in the same boat. Being single at 30 doesn’t automatically mean I’m going to have to buy a few cats, take up hoarding and stop shaving my legs; being single at 30 means I get to make my own decisions on my own terms which when you come to look at it, isn’t too shabby at all.
The British countryside is absolutely stunning. Having spent the last two years not really wanting to be in this country, I have failed to see the beauty in front of my eyes and have completely taken Britain for granted. I have slated the UK in my pursuit of greener grass and pastures new and that has only ended up being to my detriment. If you can get past the absolute cluster fuck that our political system is in, if you can get past the drudgery and monotony of the 9-5, if you can take the shitty weather on the chin, suck it up and stick a raincoat on, you will find that there’s more to Britain than meets they eye.
I am still obsessed with my weight and appearance. Call it body dysmorphia, call it vanity, call it what you want, it’s still an issue. This time though, the obsession has gone deeper – I have an urge not just to be slim and lean, but to be fit. I am addicted to exercise and will get anxious if I miss a day of training. Slightly unhealthy? Probably. Wrong? I don’t necessarily think so. The desire to be top of my game is unprecedented. I want to be healthy, I want to feel healthy, on the inside as well as on the outside; I want to be strong and I want the physique to go with it. And I love working out because it makes me feel good, it makes me feel alive. If you offered me a night in front of the TV watching shitty re-runs of Love Island, or a sweat-inducing, high intensity circuits class that left me breathless and feeling like my legs were about to buckle from beneath me, I’d take the latter. Hands down.
On the other hand though, I proper love cake.
When I wrote a blog post last year about all the (non) dramatic things that had happened to me as soon as I hit 30, I said with an air of confidence that nothing had really changed. Yeah, well, I lied. Things have changed, and it’s scaring the shit out of me. For example, I am a lot more tired now than I was in my 20s, and I look more tired too (those late nights and early mornings are doing nothing for the circles under my eyes that are getting darker and darker by the day); I definitely have more wrinkles than I did this time last year (botox is looking like a good option at the moment); I get drunk waaaaay faster than I did in my 20s (bit of a bonus really ‘cos at least it means I’m a cheap date); and I have odd hairs sprouting from very odd places which is not really something I’m ok with. On the plus side though, I’ve developed a taste for decent wine (yep, I have become that person. I am a wine snob), I still have an extremely healthy appetite (did someone mention starter, main course AND dessert?), my knees haven’t given out yet, and I’ve not converted to listening to Radio 4. There IS still hope!
Good wine is goooood. Lots and lots of good wine is evil. Pure devil’s work.
I still don’t know how to properly relax. It’s something I’m trying to work on.
I have a definite coffee addiction. And bad coffee can potentially ruin my day, well, not my whole day, just like, an hour or so of my day…until I can find better coffee.
I think I prefer a good meal and expensive wine to 20 cocktails and a bad hangover. That said though, a good old fashioned piss-up and a proper good dance can sometimes revitalise me in more ways than one.
I continue to be genuinely baffled by people’s lack of ability to spell. Even the simplest of words. Take for example the word ‘can’t’. The word ‘can’t’ is an abbreviation of the word ‘cannot’. There is no ‘r’ in ‘cannot’ and there is no ‘r’ in ‘can’t’. Why then do I consitently see the word ‘carn’t’ being spelt ‘carnt’?!?!? The same goes for ‘does’ and dose’, I mean, who the hell is teaching these people? Plus…we now have those wonderful tools called SPELLCHECK and AUTOCORRECT, and they STILL get it wrong! Unbelievable.
Over the last 12 months I’ve been writing for two different mediums – one a creative magazine based in Melbourne and the other an educational software website. I have loved every minute of these challenges and continue to thrive on the writing assignments I’m set. In freelancing this way I’ve concluded that my degree was not taken in vain and that perhaps a writing career is where my heart and head genuinely lie.
Life is for living; and while some may concentrate on making plans and ‘talking’ about all the things they’re going to do in the future, worrying about insignificant events or obstacles, stressing about work or money, and allowing that stress to manifest so that negativity takes over, putting things off until tomorrow (tomorrow, tomorrow, always tomorrow), or giving up on an idea, it’s life that’s escaping them. To live in the moment and to make the most out of life, to do the things you want to do rather than just dreaming about them will provide fulfillment and enjoyment. If you’ve always wanted to learn a language – do it, there’s apps that can help you. If you’ve always wanted to learn how to bake – do it, there’s YouTube videos that will show you how. If you’ve always wanted to run a marathon – do it, start small and build your way up. And if you’ve always wanted to ask that guy/girl out – do it, what’s the worst that can happen?
I still swear too much. And I’ve become aware lately of just how often. I will literally swear in every other sentence I utter. It’s not big and it’s not clever, and I’m mindful that it probably needs to change. And I’m trying, honestly, I really fucking am.