Chasing Amy-Lou

Now, before we even start, I’m no dating expert and I am definitely not a serial dater; in fact, my dating back catalogue is pretty pathetic and my track record, well, there isn’t really one.

 

And that’s quite worrying, as dating in 2016 is pretty confusing, and hard, especially if you’re just not into dating…you just don’t date…you just want to BE in a relationship already, and bypass all that awkwardness of watching that you’re not farting in front of your potential suitor, and keeping your opinions on The Kardashians, the moon landing, and Donald Trump to yourself. As a single, 30-year-old woman in this modern age of what I can only deduce as, ‘game-playing’, Tinder, ‘meeting’ and ‘hooking-up’ (see, I’m baffled already), it’s increasingly hard to find somebody who isn’t just out for a quick fingering round the back of the bike shed (do people still get fingered these days?), who hasn’t got kids and a crazy ex-misses already, and who isn’t a desperate 49-year-old, pining for his lost youth and making a last ditch attempt to find a younger model before he has to resign himself to Saga holidays and cruises for one.

 

Also, it’s damn hard to date and not be selfish and talk about yourself all the time; it’s hard to meet a bloke and let him into your life after being independent, single and used to looking out for number one for so long. Like, I have my own shit going on, I’ve been places and done things, and when I start talking about my life, I forget that the other person has opinions, and has probably got quite a colourful and interesting past too. But not only that, I know how to trip the switch should my electrics fail, I know my stop-cock from my shuttle-cock, I could probably assemble a flat pack wardrobe and put up a shelf should I need to, and I go on holidays and roadtrips on my own and actually quite enjoy it. It’s self-sufficient solo living. So where would a bloke fit in? Well, that’s just the thing, I don’t want them to just fit in. I want to share my life with them…if that’s possible. I want them to share their life with me too, I want to be involved with someone and to enjoy doing things together, as a couple. I want them to interject when I’m talking too much (which would be quite often) and I want them to converse with me and talk and discuss things that matter. Plus, it’d be nice if someone else bought me some wine once in a while, my bank balance would definitely appreciate that.

So, with three months to go till I return to Australia I’m gonna be frank about my situation – there’s not really much chance of me beginning a dating career and finding my future life partner in three months; I might be a dreamer but I know what realism is; there’s no chance of a long-term thing transpiring unless the other person is willing to wait for me to return to the UK or come to the other side of the world with me. Therefore, I think (and I say this waveringly), I’ve decided to try and date. Just for fun. If only for the short term, and who knows, it might turn out to be alright. All the cool kids are doing it anyway.

But what to put in my online description…? If you’ve ever watched the HBO series, Girls, (bear with me) then I’ve created a dating biography for myself, something I think is pretty accurate and will hopefully bag me a bloke – it’s sure to be failsafe! So here it goes: I’m kinda like the four main characters, rolled into one – I’ve got the neuroticism and motor-mouth tendencies of Shoshanna, but with a little less naivety and a lot less ‘girly-prissiness’. I possess the self-centredness of Marnie and the delusion that I’m something I’m not, although I’m definitely not blessed with her slight frame and perfect face…and I can’t sing that well either. I’ve got the ambition of Hannah, the stroppiness and the some of the wit (I like to think so anyway); I’m also quite selfish and egotistical and blame a lot of my issues on my parents; I love to write but fear I’ll end up teaching as writing becomes a profession that’s increasingly difficult to catch a break in. In fact, I’m probably a lot like Hannah, but without the constant nakedness. And then there’s Jessa, the recovering addict who’s a well travelled, global citizen, who oozes cool, and has navigated many life struggles thanks to her unpredictable and brash personality; she’s in touch with nature and all things unconventional, she’s the one I’d most like to be like; I’d love to say I am emulating her, but unfortunately, I’m not – her dress sense is totally on-point too.

 

So, take all the elements of these characters from Girls, throw in a guy named Gym and a girl named Wine who feature quite heavily in my day-to-day lifestyle; add a little baking love and the notion that my music taste is better than anyone else’s and you’ve got me in a nutshell.

 

But who wants to read through all that? What male is actually gonna take the time to read an in-depth, convoluted and well-structured biography of a girl on POF? Blokes can’t really stand it if their girlfriends or friends send them texts that are over four lines long – there’s too much info and they get bored.

And there’s the crux – despite being well-travelled and independent, and generous and fun to be around (not my words, just ask my many, many, past potential boyfriends who’ve ended up being ‘just pals’ before the chance to get past the arse-feeling stage even kicked-in), and not in need of saving or being looked after (as such – all girls want to be looked after, despite what they may or may not say on the subject. This is fact), I fear that in modern day society where swiping left is all too common an occurrence that there’ll always be another option.

I’m the type of girl who, if I meet someone or start chatting to one person I put my all into that person. I’m not bothered about juggling dates with different guys, to see which one I prefer; I’d prefer to concentrate on one and then if he’s not right, I can move on and start again. I want to get to know that one guy, just not at the same time as getting to know another two or three as well. And I want to be straight with them; no game playing, no waiting three days to call or text because it’ll ‘keep them keen’. Just be straight to the point; it’s not hard. Blokes though (not all, only some), they’re all too happy to see several girls at once (and what even is ‘seeing’ or ‘meeting’ these days anyway? Are there definitions of these throwaway phrases because if so I’d like to hear them) and if one doesn’t take their fancy, they can choose someone else, easily, at the click of a button or swipe of a screen.

And that’s scary. Modern day dating has become disposable and despite always being against internet/online dating, I feel it may now be my only option. However, I don’t want to be someone’s second choice. I don’t want to be overlooked because some bloke from Wigan who I’d been on four dates with decided I wasn’t good enough and realised he’d found his princess in a Kardashian-loving, contour-practising, scouse-browed Mancunian who can take a better Instagram picture than me and doesn’t mind posing in her lace panties. I don’t want to swipe past a guy just because the camera angle was bad or his mate was dressed as an inflatable penis. And I don’t want to pay ‘eHarmony’ or any other legitimate, ‘guaranteed to find you a match’, dating site, to help me meet the perfect partner. PAY SOMEONE TO FIND ME A MAN?! There’s definitely something wrong with that sentence. It’s superficial. An arranged marriage would be a better option!

So I will, maybe, possibly, and if I do it will be reluctantly, give the dating game a try, and attempt to just have some light-hearted fun with it (it could lead to something great); but if swiping left and overlooking someone just because their description isn’t as endearing as their persona may really be; just because they might not look the same in real life as they do on their dating profile picture; if that is what I have to become (an empty vessel who judges people by swiping) in order to get a date, I think I’d rather stay single and try to meet someone in a truly conventional way. Sipping a bottle of wine tastes better when you have it all to yourself anyway; and not having to share that dessert or family sized bag of chocolate buttons? Well, that’s surely reason enough to shun the shallow dating sites…for now anyway.