Chasing Amy-Lou

I read a post on elitedaily.com the other day that was entitled: I’m Not Just Looking For Love, I’m Looking For Someone Who Can Keep Up.

Not to discredit the author in any way (who am I to judge a published writer…?) but I didn’t think it was particularly well written and I didn’t think it was very realistic. Although Zara Barrie’s sentiments and musings are completely understandable, completely valid, and more than anything, completely longed-for by many of us ‘wild girls’ out there, I couldn’t help but think they were perhaps a little overly idealistic.

From a female perspective, and even though I too am one of those women who is independent and wants to achieve ‘everything’ in life, I sometimes feel we seem to think that just because we can go out and ‘claim the world’ for ourselves; just because we can travel the globe creating and experiencing adventure after wonderful adventure, refusing to settle into the conventional lifestyle that others have; just because we are fearless and want it all, that we expect a man to be able to keep up with us.

That’s putting a hell of a lot of pressure on the shoulders of the 21st Century male; it’s slightly unrealistic and it’s slightly unfair too.

Where in the past, a lot of men have maybe expected too much of women (cooking, cleaning, working, raising kids – and they still do to an extent), those were mainly physical, stay-at-home expectations. What we are now asking of men, and what Zara Barrie is asking of men is above and beyond the emotional and psychological capacity that most men are capable of (blokes, please do not take this as a put-down; I’m on your side here). We are asking them to uproot themselves and follow us from continent to continent. We are asking them to keep up with our ever-changing moods and our desire to explore every nook and cranny, every corner of the globe.

A man needs a woman (come on, we all know it’s true). When he has her, he wants her by his side. He wants to support her, make a home for her, look after her; and in return, he wants her to love him. If any woman like me (and Zara) is lucky enough to find a man who wants to go galavanting around the world with her then bloody hell, hold on to him! But there are a hell of a lot of men out there who don’t want that and can’t live up to the ideal Zara Barrie speaks about in her post.

If you’ve got a good man, or have recently found a good man, one who is strong, capable and trusting; one who is stable, don’t expect him to fall at your feet and agree with everything you want to accomplish. Don’t expect him to want to ride off into the sunset with you just because that’s what you want, without considering what he wants as well. Talk about things and by all means, have discussions and disagreements – it wouldn’t be a two-way relationship otherwise. But it’s fairly naive to think that every male will and can keep up with women like us in the way this article describes.

What we should be asking for is a partner who can and will support us should we choose to go off and try and conquer the world. A friend of mine had his girlfriend leave the UK for a year to pursue her dream of travelling. And guess what? He stayed behind. Now, I can’t say whether they stayed faithful to one another although I’d like to think they did, and I know that they found it incredibly difficult but what struck me as the most romantic and the most brilliant thing, was that he supported her (and not financially either). He supported her in her endeavours and in all the things she wanted to accomplish; and in return, she supported his wishes to stay at home. They both wanted to keep their relationship going. They wanted to stay together, and to look at them, it’s obvious that that’s where they’re supposed to be.

They both wanted different things, so she left. And it worked. It really worked. So much so that they are still together now, three years after she first went away.

What I’m trying to get at is this: be and do what you want. Go and accomplish and achieve your goals. But don’t expect a partner to be this ‘demi-god’ that you hear about in blogs and posts such as Zara Barrie’s. Expect mutual trust. Expect mutual support. And expect mutual honesty and loyalty. And if it works out, then brilliant! If not, then you both need to think about your options and whether or not you want and ultimately, should stay together.

Men are not superhuman. Neither are women. We are only capable of so much. So even though you might not want to settle for a man who doesn’t want to keep up with your globe-trotting antics (hell, I know I don’t); even though you don’t want someone who will hold you back either, as well as yearning for someone to join you down every path you take, you may have to realise that having it all takes a lot of negotiation and compromise.

And even though you may long for someone to stand by you, someone to ‘keep up with you’ (which isn’t a bad thing), maybe if you stopped searching for that ideal perfection, something or someone other than what or who you already have, you may realise, that with a little bit of persuasion, or a little less idealism, you’ll eventually find it.