My first blog of 2015, my first after a two week hiatus and it should be filled with tales of fun and laughter, it should be bursting with forward thinking ideas and be packed with positive possibilities. I should be sat here writing how much I’m looking forward to what the New Year will bring, how I have all these plans and how 2015 is going to bring me good fortune but in all honesty, I still feel the same as I did towards the end of 2014.
Following a less than successful Christmas, I arrived in Sydney full of hope, ready to experience a new city, ready to see what the big smoke had to offer and ultimately, ready to see in the New Year with some Aussie friends I’d been waiting two years to be reunited with.
It didn’t disappoint. New Years’ Eve and New Years’ Day were perhaps the best I’d had in a long time (if not ever), and being with the guys from Orange was some of the most fun this whole trip has offered me: I was comfortable, I felt happy and I was grateful to be surrounded by amazingly generous and welcoming people. My eternal gratitude will always go out to them and even in the following week and a half they continued to amaze me with their hospitality and willingness to party with me, helping me to enjoy my first visit to Sydney.
After the boys left, I was back to behaving like a backpacker again; I met up with a few fellow travellers I’d bumped into in places such as Brisbane and Byron Bay and spent some time reconnecting and catching up with them; I met up with my step-sister who had recently arrived in the country; and I went on some great tours. A full day in the Blue Mountains, exploring the fantastic scenery and marvelling at the magnificent views was followed up by a drunken day in the Hunter Valley, sampling wines and cheeses and getting acquainted with the most famous vineyards in New South Wales. I also managed to fit in a walking tour which enabled me to learn more about the city and take in some of her iconic sights. If that wasn’t enough, I tagged along with my new friends from Orange to the SCG (Sydney Cricket Ground) where Australia were taking on India in the fourth test match of the series; three bucket list items ticked off in just one week!
However, once the reality of my situation set in, i.e., the fact that I needed to find a job, and pronto, my previous worries, preconceptions and uncertainties crept back upon me. Basically, I did what I do best when I don’t have a solid plan, when I can’t control the situation and when I am left drifting with no idea of what the outcome may be…I panicked. Ok, so I didn’t stoop to new lows of having a mental breakdown or stressing to the point of exhaustion, I just began to manifest this weird feeling of worry and self-doubt.
The Orange boys have already offered me a place to stay for a while, and the opportunity to try and find work out in central NSW which is what I think I’m going to do. I also think that if it doesn’t work out there then I’ll return to Sydney for a while before moving on to Melbourne. But even so, that ‘what if’ factor is still rearing its ugly head, burrowing away inside me: what if I can’t find work in Orange? What if I run out of cash? What if I can’t subsequently find work in Sydney? What if, what if, what if? Even with the NSW RSA and RCG under my belt (qualifications you need in order to be able to work in bars and places that have gaming machines), I was still fretting about finding a job and having enough money. Team this with also being incredibly home sick and wanting to see my friends, I couldn’t help but start to feel a little down…again.
When I first started this blog as a way to document my travels, I wanted it to be humorous, upbeat, and positive; I wanted to send out good vibes to fellow travellers and inspire a generation with stories of love, laughter, adventure and experience. So far all I seem to have done is piss and moan. Haha. I have had some great times, don’t get me wrong, but when it comes to writing, I write from the heart, and it seems that my best writing comes from the down times rather than the fun times (I have more uplifting blogs in the pipeline about Byron Bay and New Years’ Day, so don’t worry, it’s not all doom and gloom, I don’t want you all reaching for the kitchen knives just yet).
There just appears to be something not quite sitting right with my whole Australian experience so far. In previous blogs I think I recall admitting that maybe Brisbane wasn’t the best place to start, or how I was too busy comparing my adventure to that of others, or how I’d set my expectations far too high, but maybe it’s something more than that. Maybe the working holiday isn’t suited to me. Maybe I am just a born ‘traveller’, one who would rather flit from city to city, backpack from country to country without having to worry about money, inhaling all the different cultures and making the most of my time there without the added stress of working. I would also require a substantial lottery win in order to fund this.
Whatever the problem, whatever way you look at it, I am still worrying and I am still questioning whether being out here is really the right thing for me. The fact I also feel incredibly sluggish, haven’t seen a gym in over four months and have piled on close to a stone whilst being here isn’t helping matters either. The endorphins are perhaps not flowing as well as they should be. I have, as I had before Christmas, considered leaving Australia and returning to England. At this moment in time, as I sit here writing, after a highly emotional conversation with my mother, I still don’t know what the solution is. They say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and this is something I am starting to believe. Even though I have some exciting things planned in the coming weeks, they possibly aren’t enough. I came away to ‘maybe’ start a new life but it hasn’t quite worked out that way so far. I also came out here seeking happiness, a happiness I haven’t yet found, a happiness I don’t think I’ll ever come across if I continue to search so hard or think it’s something I can physically ‘find’.
Half of me thinks being away from my friends and family for so long (the longest I’ve ever been away, at fifteen weeks and counting) has presented me with the realisation that that’s where I should be after all. Do I really need to be so far from the people I love in order to be happy? Is the happiness I need actually waiting for me back in the UK? Was it really there all along? Dorothy proclaimed that there’s no place like home, so maybe, just maybe, in a few weeks’ time, if things are still not going my way, she should pass those ruby slippers over and let me give them a shot.
Chasing Amy-Lou 