I’ve not blogged in a while and quite frankly, I don’t really know where to begin. I suppose my absence can be put down to a number of things: I haven’t had much to blog about, the only thing worth blogging about was keeping me busy, and I’ve kind of suffered a few setbacks over the last couple of days which have dampened my mood and interrupted my flow.
I finished my Au Pair job on 19th December and headed to Byron Bay (more on both of these at a later date). Byron was great and I was glad to be back on the road again; so much so that I didn’t want to leave on Christmas Eve. However, I was heading to the Gold Coast to spend some time with some family and hopefully have a lovely Christmas; think beach BBQ, a few wines, etc etc. I now wish I’d stayed in Byron.
Without wanting to divulge into too much detail, mainly to prevent family arguments, finger pointing and name calling, Christmas 2014, for me, was pretty shit. It has possibly been the worst Christmas I’ve ever had and it has left me downhearted, deflated and longing to change my plans, leave Australia altogether and head back home. I’d been looking forward to this special time of year so much, my first and possibly last in Australia and it ended in disaster.
The day itself originally started off nicely, with a great breakfast and some gift exchanging. However, the original plans changed and I was left feeling disappointed, out of place, and wishing I was somewhere else. The atmosphere was tense, and friction ensued, placing all of us in an awkward situation. Without wanting to sound ungrateful or selfish because I was far from that, I had expected a lot more from the experience. I couldn’t believe I felt so down on Christmas day. I missed my friends and my family and did not feel like I belonged. The whole day I could feel tears forming in my eyes, just waiting for that something that would bring them streaming down my face; and they did…several times.
Boxing Day came around and instead of looking forward and trying to move on from the events of Christmas day, I was forced to leave my cousin’s on the Gold Coast and find the first available hostel back in Brisbane. I was devastated. I had never felt so alone and upset in all of my life. Even as I write this, the memory of how hurt I felt is causing me some considerable grief.
Sitting on the top bunk in my dorm room, writing this from a rainy, miserable Brisbane, I have absolutely no idea what to do next, where to go or how to continue. I am due to fly to Sydney on Monday to celebrate New Year with some friends, watching the fireworks and getting considerably drunk. I have been looking forward to this for so long (since May/June) and I really hope it cheers me up and helps me to make some decisions about the immediate future.
As it stands I have a few options:
- Go to Sydney, enjoy New Year, try to find work and continue with my plans as I was always going to do; putting the previous events behind me and starting a new, heading to Melbourne then Cairns, then returning home at the end of my full year.
- Go to Sydney, enjoy New Year and then fly to Thailand and spend six weeks travelling round SE Asia until 26th February when I will fly home.
- Go to Sydney, enjoy New Year, move on to Melbourne, enjoy some time there and then fly home at the end of February, without finding work, cutting my time here short but taking in the major things I want to see.
- Go to Sydney, enjoy New Year, try to find some work, go and do my farm work for a second year visa, and stay for another year.
- Go to Sydney, enjoy New Year, fly to Gladstone to recommence being an Au Pair for my previous host family until mid-March, save some money, go to Melbourne and try to find work there.
Looking at it now, the future doesn’t seem so bleak. I just have to make a decision. Part of me wants to leave in February and go home. Australia hasn’t been what I thought it would be so far, and I’m afraid that if I stay here and waste more time not enjoying it then I’ll only make myself miserable. That said, I could just have started my journey in the wrong place and things may begin to look up once I head south.
I am however, curious to explore SE Asia and am really leaning towards heading out there before eventually returning home. This option though would see me leaving Australia without seeing all the things I’ve come here to see. It would also feel like I was giving up on the opportunity of a lifetime just because I’d experienced a few setbacks. I’m not one to be defeated at the first hurdle but when security, finances, happiness and a clear picture hang in the balance, I’m faced with some questionable doubt.
In a previous post I described how I too often tend to compare myself to other people. I have been doing this a lot in the last three months and it clearly isn’t helping me to make the most of my time out here. If I could rewind the clock and start again I would; I would have begun my trip in Melbourne and made my way north. This however, is not possible so the only thing I can do now is try to move forward and remain positive. I may not have had the time of my life so far; I may find the whole searching for work thing one massive ballache, making me wish I’d just saved up a shit load of cash and backpacked my way around without having to get a job; and I may have reached a crossroads in my adventure, facing uncertainty in what to do for the best. I cannot however, let this be the end.
Usually, my gut instinct guides me to make the right decision, in whatever situation I’m faced with. The thing is, I don’t think I have any instincts at the moment. I genuinely am facing a conundrum, folks. The only thing I can think is this – go to Sydney, enjoy New Year, see how I feel and take it from there. I’m determined to make the most of this, whatever happens and I refuse point blank to have my adventure or my natural cheery disposition and outlook interrupted by a terribly disappointing Christmas and a shaky start to my time in Australia. The New Year will hopefully mean a new start, so bottoms up to 2015, let’s choose the right path because Sydney, I’m coming to get you!
Chasing Amy-Lou 