I began writing this blog post about three months ago. I fiddled around with it and edited it, changing bits and adding bits in here and there. I tried to give an honest account of why I think I’ve failed at relationships so far and why I’m still single, at the ripe old age of 29, but without me sounding like a neurotic psychopath or whinging spinster. I’ve also been brutally honest in places. This is not intended to be some kind of ‘woe is me’ article, more a reflection about myself and possibly a self-critique too. I hope you like it.
Every time I hear that another person I went to school with has got married or is due to have a baby, a part of me melts, crumbles, decays and then painfully dies inside. Slowly.
It’s not just the fact that most of my friends are now wed and have their own little families, it’s the stone cold reality that even the geeks, the chavs, the slightly less “attractive” ex-class mates, and now that it’s legal, the lesbians, have managed to find partners and pro-create. I on the other hand am fast approaching 30 and have yet to be in a long-term relationship.
Yep, you read it right, I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP. There, I’ve said it, so c’mon, let’s get the finger pointing, sniggering and ha-ha’s over with. You can even feel sorry for me if you like, it’s ok, I’ve had it all.
Recently, a friend of mine started posting on Facebook with the hashtag #reasonswhyimsingle and it got me to thinking, this also applies to me; of course I’m not the only singleton of my age to have never been in a relationship (I hope) but surely to God, there must be a reason I can’t hold one down, or even find a bloke who may remotely be interested in entering some form of courtship with me.
While friends, ex-flings and other acquaintances all seem to skip and jump from relationship to relationship, sometimes not even stopping to polish the notches on their bedposts, I have remained well and truly, embarrassingly celibate…and not through choice, I can tell you that for free. So surely, SURELY, if others can find ‘love’ so easily, then so can I? Turns out, it’s not actually that simple. Sob.
The last time I had any kind of semi-serious relationship was from November 2009 until January 2010. Pitiful ey? So I have been officially single for over FOUR YEARS! THAT’S FOUR YEARS! Some people meet their other halves, date, buy a house, get married and pop a sprog out in the time I’ve been sitting on the shelf. Quite staggering when you look at it. That particular ex-boyfriend said to me, several months after we’d parted ways: “Why don’t you just get another boyfriend?” Aah, if only…
Don’t get me wrong, in the last four years, I’ve had a few flings, romanced a few times, been on a few dates, cried over a few men, got angry at a few men, and pined for a few men, but I’ve never managed to actually keep one. This ‘failure to launch’, as we’ll call it, has baffled me.
Let’s look at the facts then shall we: I ain’t no munter (I don’t think); I’m quite a nice person deep down; I’m pretty generous with my time and would do anything for my friends; I’m fiercely loyal, meaning that should I become embroiled in any form of romance, I’d remain committed to that person and that person only; I can’t be doing with the messing around of ‘are we, aren’t we dating?’ or the ‘are we seeing other people?’ shite; if I’m with someone, I’m with that person alone, and I’ll stick by them too. I’m versatile and have many layers, not meaning I’m some kind of emotional time-bomb, what I mean is that I can adapt to any situation: I love sport, music, reading, outdoor pursuits, food, wine, etc etc; I’m not difficult to get along with really. Any guy would be lucky to find a girl like me, someone who isn’t a prude, someone who can join in and be one of the lads, someone who also likes getting dressed up and behaving like a lady (ahem), someone who is pro-active and motivated, someone who’s pretty independent.
But maybe therein lies the problem. Maybe all these characteristics are just too much for one man to handle? Breaking it down and examining the situation a little further, I can only summise the following: I used to be a FireFighter. This is not your typical ‘female occupation’. Most guys would be surprised that this archetypal male career choice was being undertaken by a woman. Some guys may even find it off-putting or intimidating – why would I need a bloke if I can clearly do the job of a male, work with men and basically steal men-points from any office-working guy out there?
My need to be independent. A lot of men like a woman they can take care of. Someone they can ‘rescue’, like the princess from the fairytale stories. Men like to feel they have a purpose, like they’re wanted and needed for something. My ability to be self-sufficient and survive on my own, financially and domestically, with no need for male assistance could also be off-putting. Like the occupation I thrived in for over six years, my independence can be an intimidating factor for a man when looking for potential female suitors. Not just independence in the everyday practical sense, but an independent thinker too. I don’t require someone to tell me what opinion I should have, how I should behave or how I should think. I have views on politics, on the economy, on social issues and on religion. I can talk and debate about football, about the music world, about Green issues. I have an education and I’m not afraid to use it.
I do however (and many people will back this up) talk a lot. Some would argue I like to talk too much (my Dad especially). I also have a potty mouth. This can be particularly off-putting for a man; a woman who swears! God forbid. A famous quote stipulates:
People who use a lot of swear words tend to be more honest and trustworthy, human behavioural studies suggest
This is all well and good but how many men like to have a woman by their side who effs and blinds her way through a meal with his parents? I don’t mind swearing, and I think in the 21st Century, we are quite accustomed to it now; some would even say we are slightly immune to hearing swear words. However, not all men find a woman who curses attractive. This could be one of my downfalls.
I’m fun, outgoing, loud and vivacious. Why anyone would find this a trait to avoid or something undesirable I’ll never know but clearly my passion for adventure, for fun times and for always being busy and occupied is a repellent to the male species. Maybe men don’t like a woman who is energetic and likes a bit of excitement? Who knows.
My tendency to compare myself to other people. A lot. This, as many of my friends and also my mother will confirm, is one of my biggest flaws. I have many major hang-ups when it comes to myself. I’m not the biggest fan of my body, I don’t particularly consider myself to be attractive and I am constantly trying to better myself when it comes to my physical appearance. I work out, I eat well and I try to maintain a healthy weight but I never seem to be happy with what I see in the mirror. That’s the other thing, my weight. I will never be content with the size I am, always wanting to be smaller (don’t get me wrong, I am not fat and I do not have an eating disorder or anything like that, I bloody love food, I will always just want something that is maybe not sustainable for my body shape). Men tend to like a woman who is comfortable in herself. who loves herself and who oozes self-confidence. I am a confident person (ask anyone) but oozing natural confidence? Being happy with the person I am, in the body I have? Maybe not so much, and it’s perhaps this that comes across to the opposite sex.
I’m too fussy. This could be seen as a good or a bad thing. I set my expectations high. I have a clear vision of what I want from a partner and for the future, well, as far as relationships and family are concerned anyway. Perhaps my idealistic expectations about love and life are preventing me from seeing what’s directly under my nose? Perhaps I’ve missed the boat so many times because I’m constantly seeking perfection, something that unfortunately may not exist? Maybe I should just take whatever or whoever comes along and count myself lucky to have found anyone? This is something I cannot bring myself to do however, I can’t and won’t settle for second best. It’s just not in my nature. Looking at it from beyond the rose-tinted spectacles, I could be depriving myself of the happiness I deserve and want because I’m too stubborn to admit when I’ve come across a good thing. I just don’t know.
The way I behave in relationships. Ok, this could be the big one – I jump in with both feet sometimes. I rush ahead. I plan things. I act as if we’ve been together forever. I let them meet my friends. I imagine what things would be like in a years time…If past experience has taught me anything it’s this: do not try and plan a single thing in advance when you’re only three months into a relationship. You will only get dumped. Don’t book gig tickets for something in October when you only started dating in January. Don’t get excited about having a plus one for your mate’s wedding in July when you have been on six dates. And don’t introduce them to your parents after four weeks. They’ll run a mile and you’ll end up with a broken heart. Nonchalance is the key.
Taking all these things into account, I still cannot come up with a fundamental definite answer as to why I’m probably going to be entering my thirties as a single woman. A lot of people would be proud of this – an independent female, a free-thinker, a pioneer for women all over the world, who shun the expectations set upon them by society. I can’t help feeling a little disappointed by it all though. I want that happy ending; I want that closeness of being in a relationship with someone; I want the mortgage, marriage and kids. I want to belong.
My neediness and possible ‘desperation’ could also be a reason why I’m still single. Do I give off that desperate vibe? Do I come across as someone who’s constantly seeking a relationship? Am I so completely transparent that when a cute guy does approach me he turns away quicker than you can say ‘next stop marriage’ because he’s seen the ‘relationship’ shadow lingering behind my eyes? Only others will be able to tell me this (please feel free to give your insights).
Or, is it nothing to do with me at all? Am I just going for the wrong blokes? Do I just find myself constantly attracted to knob-heads. It’s not unheard of. I have a friend who, like me, is also single, and also fast approaching 30. She’s been on dating websites, she’s been on blind dates, she’s met people in bars, she’s rekindled old friendships in the hope of finding that ‘spark’, All have fallen incredibly flat on their faces though. She’s still single and she, like me, can’t understand why. How can two 29 year old girls, who are great to be around and have all the qualities one would think a man would like, still be single? We both have a penchant for blaming ourselves, thinking that somehow we are the ones at fault, that there’s something wrong with us. There must be something that we’re not doing right. Hang on a minute though, we haven’t looked at it from the blokes perspective.
As I’m not a guy, I can’t speak for them, and I have no idea what runs through their heads when they meet a new girl but I do know this: it seems that more and more guys these days are just out for a good time. They want everything that comes with a having a girlfriend but without the actual label or the hassle that comes with it. Of course, not all men are like this but this is what myself and my friend have unfortunately been prey to. Again though, maybe we are just choosing the wrong ones. Maybe we are just wanker magnets.
Since being in Australia though, my search has somewhat stopped. I don’t find myself looking for a possible ‘boyfriend’ anymore. It couldn’t be further from my mind in fact. I’m too busy thinking about how I’m gonna get from one city to the next on a budget that is slowly diminishing by the day; I’m too busy planning when I’d like to visit Melbourne and how long I want to spend in Sydney. I’m way too excited about New Years Eve and what 2015 will bring to be even worrying about men and still being single. Plus, I’m in Australia, why should I wait around for Mr. Right to come along?
So, if you’re reading this, and are thinking that there’s nothing wrong with me, that there’s no reason why I’m still a sad, old-ish spinster, that I’ll find someone someday, then great, thank you, I appreciate it. If you’re reading this and can see exactly why I’m still single then please, let me know. And if you’re reading this and are thinking, ‘that’s my kinda girl, she seems like a challenge’, then come at me boys, I’m ready (but not necessarily waiting)…
Chasing Amy-Lou 