Chasing Amy-Lou

Long-haul flights suck. Ok, that’s not strictly true, as over the last 24 hours I’ve enjoyed about five-six free meals and a hell of a lot of free wine but for the most part, they suck ass…big time.

Anyone who’s ever flown for over seven hours without a stop off or connection will know where I’m coming from here; unless you request extra leg space, are lucky enough to bag yourself an aisle seat, or have enough cash to upgrade to business or first class (and come on, let’s get real here, I am NEVER going to be able to afford to fly first class) then you’re pretty much screwed.

I find flying for more than five hours a total chore. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the complimentary food and beverages (who wouldn’t?) but not being able to move about, having to sit on your arse for longer than a Lord of The Rings marathon and not being able to go to the toilet without inevitably pissing someone off is not my idea of fun. Plus, if you’re unlucky enough to be squashed in the middle of a row then I pity you, I really do. I am a self-confessed short-arse; my inside leg measurement is just shy of 30” (ok, 29” if we’re being pedantic but who doesn’t like to stretch the truth a little?), so if I find the restrictions on leg movement; the inability to be able to put one leg under the other to emulate that lazing on the sofa pose; the struggle to cross my legs or even stretch them out to increase circulation a difficult task, then I really do pity those who have been blessed with legs up to their armpits (basically everyone else other than me and nine year old boys).

And what’s with the seatbelt sign? Huh? I’ve just recently flown for 22 hours from Manchester to Brisbane and I swear to God, the Pilot was having a laugh when he left the light on for the majority of the TEN HOUR flight from Dubai to Perth. Manchester to Dubai was pretty standard, I had an aisle seat which meant I could stretch my legs out, I had an empty seat next to me which meant I could sprawl out and relax, and the seatbelt sign was barely on. Get on the plane to Perth though and whoa, it’s like they were trying to restrict our movements and imprison us in our seats, with bursting bladders and numb buttocks. At one point there were around six passengers queueing for the same toilet while the seatbelt light was on. Now, I’m not being funny but the turbulence wasn’t even that bad and if one more Stewardess had told me to sit down, I would’ve honestly peed into her hot lemon flannel basket.

This is what I can’t stand about long haul flying – there’s nowhere to go. I remember about 12 years ago, I went to Mexico with my family and we flew on a great big double decker airbus thing. It was marvellous. The toilets were downstairs, the aisles were huge and I’m sure the leg space was bigger than what it is now. This flight however, and also, the flight to China last year, well, I’ve been more comfortable squashed on a tube in central London at rush hour.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that I’ve learned quite a few things about long haul flights recently, so here goes:

1) NEVER WEAR JEANS TO FLY IN! Unless you’re on an EasyJet flight from Manchester to Malaga that takes less than three hours, are blessed with skinny legs and a pair of jeans that are more comfortable than pyjamas, can wear skinny jeans and are now so used to your circulation being cut off that you don’t notice it anymore, then I advise you rethink your travelling attire. I have huge thighs, and I can tell you now, it’s not pleasant being wedged between two long legged six foot blokes and having to fidget every five minutes just to try and get comfortable.

2) Don’t expect leg room, don’t expect space, and don’t make the mistake of thinking business class is just the normal seating area for peasant class…you will be disappointed! I got caught out with this one; boarded the plane and saw these huge seats with recliners and massive TVs. I’d already bypassed first class so I just assumed these were the economy seats. No. Walked a little further and came to the seats that even battery hens would turn their noses up at. Heart-breaking.

3) Be prepared to put on about 2kgs in a 24hr period. Seriously. Now, I love my food (as many of my friends will know), and I’m currently on the more rotund side of what I’d like to be so being bombarded with about seven different meals in one flight is just too much. Grateful as I am for the three course main meal but if you’re gonna provide me with more snacks, at least make them healthy. No, I don’t want the sandwiches and cakes. No, I don’t want the biscuit snacks. All I wanted was fruit and water. Could I get this? There was more chance of a four poster bed and being fed grapes by a Greek Adonis. Imagine my indignation then, when I turn around and see the guy in the next aisle tucking into a fruit platter. When I asked the stewardess about this she told me he had a “special meal”. Well, if ticking the ‘vegetarian’ box when booking my flight is all I need to do to bag me some fruit then deal me in.

4) You won’t get drunk, no matter how much alcohol you consume. This may not apply to everyone but in all honesty, I downed a fair few red wines and nada. Not even a wobble down the aisle on the way to the toilet. However, and here’s the good bit – the alcohol is FREE!! I was honestly tempted to stock up on mini bottles of red wine and sneak them through customs on arrival. Free booze is always a winner in my book. Although I’d advise against spilling red wine on the only decent skirt you have with you. Walking to the toilet with a huge red stain covering your crotch area will just look like you badly mistimed your menstrual cycle. Joy.

5) Sleeping will become one of the biggest challenges you’ll ever face. Unless you’re next to a window and don’t mind an uncomfortable headrest then you’re in for a sleep deprivation marathon. And those travel neck pillow things? The single most useless and uncomfortable piece of travel paraphernalia I’ve ever come across.

6) Swollen feet and limbs are an actual thing. Deal with it and move on.

7) The in-flight entertainment is actually really good. I had a list of films I wanted to watch while flying and didn’t even get time to finish them. The music is pretty decent too and they have loads of TV shows to choose from. Never a dull moment on a long-haul.

8) Turbulence will affect most flights. Don’t freak out and start screaming or running down the aisles shouting like a crazy person; you’ll be mistaken for a terrorist and will probably be taken down by the closest air marshal or whatever they call them. Just close your eyes and pray to Jesus or Allah or whoever. It’ll be over before long.

9) Jet lag is real. It might not hit you until day two of your trip but boy is it real. I’m still half-waiting for mine to kick-in, and I’m kind of praying that I’ve had enough sleep by now but I’m sure the worst is yet to come as I can already feel the tiredness creeping up on me like Jimmy Savile in a children’s hospital; it ain’t gonna be pleasant.

There’s probably a few other things I’ve failed to mention about long-haul flights but these are the main points. In all honesty, I’m being slightly overzealous with the negativity. Long-haul flying isn’t as bad as it sounds. It’s a means to an end and as long as you can deal with a numb arse, enjoy plane food and don’t mind the lack of sleep then you’ll be fine. Although try muscling me off the armrest and you’ll probably get an elbow to the face. Just saying.