Chasing Amy-Lou

I love music. I love music festivals. And I love the UK music festival scene. This weekend just gone I attended Kendal Calling Festival in Cumbria. It’s not the first time I’ve been to this particular music festival and hopefully it won’t be the last. Despite monsoon season choosing to hit while we were there, it didn’t stop us from going wild in the fields!

Returning home, slightly broken and bewildered on Monday morning, I got to thinking; in over a decade of attending festivals, a career I’ve invested blood, sweat and tears into, surely I must’ve learned a few things? Surely I must’ve walked away from the mud, the dirt and the excessive alcohol consumption a little wiser? Well, here’s what I’ve actually discovered…

1) WELLIES ARE A MUST! Whatever festival you choose to go to, wherever in the UK it is, you cannot leave home without your wellies. You may not need them, you may not wear them but if you don’t take them and the heavens open, releasing five years of torrential rain in one day, creating puddles in your tent that you’ll have to sleep in, I can assure you, you will regret it.

2) You will meet random people. These random people will become your best friends. You will probably kiss one/some of these random people. You might end up trying to have sex with one/some of these random people. You will promise to keep in touch with one/some of these random people once the festival is over. This probably won’t happen.

3) Your alcohol consumption over the course of the weekend will put Oliver Reed’s whole drinking career to shame. Fact.

4) When the sun shines at a festival, men will walk around half naked, women will probably walk around half naked and you will get sunburn

5) You will spend about a week deciding who you want to see play, writing itineraries and working out who your friends want to see too. This will go to pot as soon as you find out the set times and realise that EVERYONE worth watching clashes. Cue mad dashes from tent to tent as you try to catch half-sets here and there.

6) You will probably meet some semi-famous people. At Glastonbury 2013 I met Newton Faulkner. At Kendal Calling 2014 I met Nico Mirallegro. It is possible.

7) When it comes to food, there will be an abundance of outlets to choose from. You will either eat everything you can lay your hands on or go hardcore and eat next to nothing. I usually do that latter and end up regretting it when I can’t remember where I am or what day it is.

8) Fancy Dress is a must! Even if it’s a shit effort, you’ve got to take a fancy dress costume to a music festival at least once in your life. If not, you can always buy one. This year I acquired a gold spangly 80s jacket, walked around in a One Direction onesie and bought a skeleton get-up for my mate. Hours of fun.

9) You will fall over at some point. Embrace it. Deal with it. Move on.

10) You will always find a way to smuggle alcohol into the arena. Festivals like Glastonbury and Beatherder allow you to take your own booze in with you when you leave your campsite but the majority of others prefer you to purchase alcohol from the bars on site which in turn means they can keep the ticket costs low. There are ways round this. I smuggled two hip flasks of gin in with me on Saturday, and a friend of mine managed to get a whole box of cider in. Where there’s a will there’s a way!

11) You will discover new ways to block out your sense of smell, especially when it comes to using the portaloos, sleeping next to the pile of stinking clothes in your tent and squatting next to the nearest bin because the closest toilet has someone else’s crap smeared all over the seat. You will even find the festival smell becomes slightly appealing after a while. No, honestly.

12) People will bring the weirdest things with them. This year our mascot friend was Cunty, the shit taxidermy…

13) If you hit it hard, and you will hit it hard (if you don’t then shame on you!), be prepared to feel like absolute dog turd for at least four days after. It’s now Wednesday and I am still recovering. Safe to say, if this happens then you know you’ve succeeded in having a great festival experience. Well done you!